Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize