doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
