Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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