you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
