so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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