that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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