I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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