if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
