Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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