He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
