Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
