So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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