so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
