On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
