bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
