Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
