I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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