He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
