im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My Higher Power is John Stamos
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize