i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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