Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
