the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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