he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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