Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
