The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Randomize
