I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
