Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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