I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
