guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
