at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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