i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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