my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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