I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
