I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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