Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
