The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
