dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize