I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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