I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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