Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
barbara walters just said penis...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
