DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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