u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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