Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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