from now on my penis is your penis
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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