Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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