I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
