well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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