Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
