I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
foreskin is a definite game changer
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
