im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize