Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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