I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
