Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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