u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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