I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
