I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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