found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
