Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
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