I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
